A Story of a Girl Who Fell In Love Online

Meeting someone online is not strange these days. It only becomes strange when you let yourself fall for his/her words, especially when you do not know if what the other party is saying is true or not. It is strange because how would you let yourself fall for someone you just knew, and worse, you have not seen in real life? But anyway, you let it happen, and admit it, you are glad that you did despite the doubts that you had. He/she made you happy because at least for once, someone made you feel special--special, like receiving-messages-everyday-from-someone-I-like kind of special.

I had these feeling in a while when I met this boy online. We had a 6-hour difference distance. At first, it did not matter if he will stay or not because hey, he is just someone I met and I am pretty sure he is just one of those dudes who will seem eager to talk to me at first then will eventually leave once they find me boring. But he was different, and I honestly do not know how I am going to elaborate that. He is special.

For the first few months, we would talk usually once or twice a week. I learned that he studies a lot and is busy at the university. It was the reason why we rarely talk. I just get surprised whenever I see a notification from him. It was pretty normal for me until every week becomes every day. One time, he told me that he would be deleting the app that he was using for us to talk, but he did not say any goodbye and instead, he gave me his number so I could add him up in this other app where no usernames are required but mobile numbers. I did not have that app before because I have a lot of other messaging apps, but I still downloaded it simply because of our mutual interest with talking to each other. Waiting for his message every time despite the things I have to do everyday becomes a habit.

He would message me every day and I learned more things about him. He did not have quite a lot of interests because he just kept studying and reading books. I find him very smart. On the first few days of the 'everyday exchange of messages', he suddenly shared something about him getting rejected by a girl. At first, I was like "Ouch, why didn't he even tell me that he likes someone yet he sweet-talks to me?" And I was also like, "Thank goodness I haven't fall for him yet." I did not say nor ask any of those things to him, and instead, I lectured him just like any other friend. He was very grateful that I got his back despite his heartache. And that is when the I-thought-I-was-just-another-friend feeling started, so I acted like one even if I know to myself that I already like him.

The next few days felt better. We became really close and even hoped that we live near each other. He would always tell me, "No, you're not there. You're here. I know you're here." It was like he was referring to me being inside his heart, which I hoped. He would also tell me how he wanted to visit my country and stay for good because I live here, as he said. We would also exchange voice messages when we get tired texting. My favorite part of all our conversation would be:

Me: Goodnight!

Him: I like our 'good morning.' I dislike 'goodnight'. 

Me: Why? 

Him: Because we don't talk anymore. 

Me: Awww at least there will still be tomorrows. :) 

Me: Sweetdreams /insert kiss emoji here/ 

Him: Sweetdreams /insert three kiss emojis here/

And after that was the first time we said our I love you's. The second and last one was five days after. Our conversations did not end there though. We continued to talk even after I got in an accident. That was the time when I really felt he cared so much for me. He would always tell me to stay alive because we will still meet someday. He even sent me a video message while I was at the hospital. I was happy, I felt really special. Until the depression caused by my trauma sank in. I would worry a lot and overthink about many things, and I had other problems. The sad part of it all, he was not there when I thought I needed him. I know he got a lot of reasons, I tried my best to understand, but doubts still entered my mind. When I would see him go online and not respond to any of my messages, I know and feel that he hated me for it. The sudden falls--the fall in love part and the fall/failure part--were all my fault.

At the middle of this little chaos, he would pull me back, still. I appreciate it because it felt like he still wanted me. With that, I kept telling myself to continue holding on because it is really hard to find someone like him these days, even if he lives far away. I have to keep holding on and see if we could really work out after two years as we (or maybe I) promised. He kept giving me tiny pieces of hope, but because of my doubts, I let it all slip away. And I am letting them all go... now.

I do not deserve him. He has been so nice to me, but I just repay him with fears and stupid behavior. He has been so nice that I want him to be happy, but not with me. I do not deserve him as much as he does not deserve me. He deserves better. I cannot be better.

Now, I am putting an end to something that I began feeling. I am cutting off our communication and the things that connect the two of us. I am letting him go even when I know he already let me. I am putting an end to something that did not even begin between us--a real relationship.

About Depression... again.

Depression has been a talk recently since the passing of Mr. Robin Williams. In some articles I have presently read about it (depression, I mean), there are points in which I both agree and disagree, and whenever I disagree, I can't help but roll my eyes because I personally do not like reading stuff written by people who thought they know what they are writing, but really don't. Most of all, I do not like it when people write stuff about a particular matter without even thinking about the feeling of being in the situation.

Now, you may be asking me, "Who are you to tell us what to think? Why, have you experienced depression before that you think you know what you are saying?"

Well, I have an answer for you. Depression has been my issue ever since I was traumatized by an unfortunate experience that happened more than a month ago. It is recurring, and it is difficult to deal with.

"How are you sure that you are depressed? Did you talk to a psychiatrist about it?"

No, but I have studied things about depression since it was my thesis topic way back in college. I have learned the things that might have caused it, its effects, its real nature, and I can say that I am depressed because I know that it is not just a feeling. It is an illness that could not get out of my system [yet]. Also, keyword: trauma.

"So what's your point in this discussion of yours?"

My point is that, I just hope people will refrain, if not stop, from writing things or telling things about a serious matter like depression as if they know what its nature is. I am saying this not because I studied things about it, but because I know to myself that I have this illness in me which I gained after being traumatized, and I can't help but to shake my head whenever I read or hear things that are not really true, if not factual, about depression. I am saying this because it is very difficult for someone with depression to deal with things happening around him/her especially when he/she feels helpless, too. Most of all, I am saying this because it is very difficult to let other people understand what depression really is for us.

Personally, I do not want to witness the fall of a depressed person because it only adds to my fear and remember the trauma, thus making me helpless and more depressed. However, I also think that it is a good thing to witness one so that we gain fear of death, thus making us courageous enough to continue living and surviving. It is confusing, I know, but believe me when I say that it is very difficult to handle and think about. I just don't know if you will think about it the same way as I do.

(Free) Falling

I find us boring with a twist. We are not together, no, physically and romantically. But I am sure that the thing between us sparkles as bright as a red-string tied into our littlest fingers--that is if we are meant to be. We are boring in a way that you like Philosophy while I like Literature; we both don't watch TV; we both hate politics and the news. It is that kind of boredom that keeps us talking every single night. Our 6-hour timezone distance does not hinder us to keep being boring as we talk about boring things. I like you. You are smart, adorable, a dork. I like you. Because you are as boring as I do. I have never written anything like this for a long time. This post may be boring, yes, but as I think of you right now while writing this, it is that kind of boredom that makes me feel like free falling again. Free falling--a way of writing--or free falling--falling free in the depths of love. That sounded boring, didn't it?

Friends, Meet My Books

Even before the New Year begins, I already made a list of goals that I must accomplish until the first half of the year (I have a reason for this, lol). One of those goals is to read ALL the books that I own before my deadline. Of all the books that I have, I only managed to finish one this month: Mario Vargas Llosa’s The Bad Girl, and right now, I am starting another one. This time, it’s Lisa See’s Snowflower and the Secret Fan.

Anyway, I made this post not only to show everyone my reading progress (and/or even reviews about the books), but also to list down the books that I have and willing to share, even give. ­Give, because even though I will still find these books useful in the future, I want them to be in good hands instead of just stacking them in my non-existent bookshelf. So, if any of you are interested with the books, let me know and I'll share them with you after I read them.

Some books were already "reserved" to those people whom I know would need and take care of these books as much as I did. You can also borrow the reserved ones, as long as I haven't given them to their new parents yet.

To you, who wants any of these books, please do me a favor: take good care of them as if they're family.

Here is my list of books (that I can remember so far). I will update this list from time to time since I still have to sort them out, and for everyone to know what has been taken. Books with marks like this mean they are already reserved:

- The Bad Girl by Mario Vargas Llosa

- Snowflower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

- The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan

- A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf

- Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes

- Bella Tuscany by Frances Mayes

- The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood

- Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

- Bird Cloud by Annie Proulx

- Flight to Arras by Antoine de Saint-Exupery
- Flash House by Aimee Liu
- A Long Way from Verona by Jane Gardam
- White Jade and Other Stories by Alex Kuo
- Classics for Pleasure by Michael Dirda (book for Literary Criticism)
- Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
- Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
- Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller
- Romantic Literature (1790-1830) edited by Geoff Ward
- The Art of Time in Fiction by Joan Siber


Let me know if you want any. :)

Thoughts Before 2013 Ends

Two months from now, I would start worrying about the things that will happen in the next two months after that.

Four months from now and if I get what I wish for, I would stop worrying about waking up early during Monday mornings.

Four months from now, I would start worrying about the things that will happen for the rest of 2014.

Six to seven months from now, it would be a matter of firsts.

Six to seven months from now, it would be a matter of indefinite temporariness.

But before it happens, right now, I should be preparing.

The red carpet will soon be set for new beginnings. Beginnings that are just waiting at the other end where I am currently standing. It's waiting for me, I can see it. I must start walking before the light goes out.