Luck for September, perhaps?

I've been busy for quite some time, and as you all have noticed, I haven't blogged last month. Right now, I just wanted to share some present thoughts about how unfortunate I am today.

Issues. On school. On my friends.

I'm getting nervous with my grades on two subjects. A major and a minor. Although I have really done my best last preliminary exams, as the cliche goes, my best was not good enough. I still failed on those exams although I really did study. I even became sleepless nowadays especially that our deadline for thesis submission is fast approaching and I'm not even half way done. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm getting depressed with what was happening. I overthink a lot. It doesn't help, I know. But I can't help it.

I want to graduate on the 2nd of April, 2013. :(

And then about some of my friends.

Is there something wrong with me? Have I done something wrong? Have I said something wrong? I can't recall things that I did or said to make them feel bad or annoyed. I don't know. I want to be confronted if ever. "I don't know what to say no more." - G-Dragon, That XX.

Lastly, losing things. I lost my 8-year old watch last August. And I recently lost my USB that I've been using for 4 years and dorm keys. The feeling of losing them made me feel like I need to let go of something. Let go of my teenage life, I guess? But what's the matter? I don't get why I need to be unfortunate with things right now.

I just wanna leave. Go somewhere far that even bad luck or bad karma will not find me.

Black hole.

Words. Visions. Imaginings.

As I stare blankly at the yellow wall of my room where the cork board with sticky notes of different colors is hanging, there are words popping up my head, making me want to say them all to you. But you will not hear me, for you are out of reach, away. Far and away.

I keep seeing question marks, they seem confused as well. What would want you to know the truth? You keep ignoring me after all.

And guess what's inside my head? It keeps on wondering, thinking... "If I was in her place..." And then I don't know what it says next.

Words. Visions. Imaginings.

"...you'll have no regrets."

"...you'll be happy with me."

"...I'll let you do what you want to do in life."

"...we would be playing in the rain like kids and hide on the sidewalks when thunder claps."

"...every penny would be worth it."

"...you will be free."

And now, I'm running out of words. What remain are visions that cannot be translated. Imaginings that cannot happen.

You're a jerk.

What if it was you?

What if you are my long lost childhood friend? What if it was you who left for a very long time and never came back? What if it was your name I had forgotten? What if it was you I have wanted to talk to for a long time? My dear friend from the past... what if it was you?

All I remember was his image from afar, he was running away. Saying goodbye because he was being called by his Lolo. It was a sunny afternoon. And then my mind went white. I can't recall anything anymore. All I know is that he was my friend, my childhood friend. I forgot his name.

When he ran away and transferred I don't know where, I started to value friendship and remember everything my friends and I have shared. Perhaps that's why "best friends" are so sentimental to me.

I hope you too.

What the author of my book for thesis has taught me...

I am loving the book I chose to use for my thesis. It was entitled "Positively Mental" by Elvira Mata and it was only published this year. Its genre was creative nonfiction and it's really fun reading it. I hope doing my thesis would be fun, too. :))

Anyway, below are my favorite excerpts from the book:

• From Dating Tips: Chant: "I am attractive, smart, and funny." You will feel a million times more confident about yourself. Don't "Huh?" as you read this. Believe.
• From When the cats jump over the TV: "Your TV fell," he announced. "What do you mean?" "I found it on the floor lying face down," he answered. "Like it was attacked by cats?" "Yeah. What do you want me to do?" he asked. "Take my cats to EDSA and tell them to cross the street," I said, upset. (FYI: I am not a cat-hater, I just really laughed when I read this part, haha!)
• From Rain, rain, go away: I have not been speaking to him for a few months because... I don't remember now but it must have been painful because I have blocked it out of my consciousness.
• From Men leave: Men are like cheese: they smell and have holes in their excuses. Men are like dairy products. They expire or they leave.
• From Manual on life: "If it tastes good, it's probably fattening and bad for your health. If it tastes bad, I probably cooked it." "If it hurts, he's not worth it." "There's nothing a bar of dark chocolate couldn't cure." "What's important is not getting there, it's the journey. Be sure you bring change for pamasahe."

Those are my favorite excerpts. There will be more when I read and re-read it. That's it for now. :D

If I was still in love with him, I'd say...

"It's nice waking up to his voice."

Yes, he woke me up through his call. But no, I'm no longer in love.

I hope.