I had these feeling in a while when I met this boy online. We had a 6-hour difference distance. At first, it did not matter if he will stay or not because hey, he is just someone I met and I am pretty sure he is just one of those dudes who will seem eager to talk to me at first then will eventually leave once they find me boring. But he was different, and I honestly do not know how I am going to elaborate that. He is special.
For the first few months, we would talk usually once or twice a week. I learned that he studies a lot and is busy at the university. It was the reason why we rarely talk. I just get surprised whenever I see a notification from him. It was pretty normal for me until every week becomes every day. One time, he told me that he would be deleting the app that he was using for us to talk, but he did not say any goodbye and instead, he gave me his number so I could add him up in this other app where no usernames are required but mobile numbers. I did not have that app before because I have a lot of other messaging apps, but I still downloaded it simply because of our mutual interest with talking to each other. Waiting for his message every time despite the things I have to do everyday becomes a habit.
He would message me every day and I learned more things about him. He did not have quite a lot of interests because he just kept studying and reading books. I find him very smart. On the first few days of the 'everyday exchange of messages', he suddenly shared something about him getting rejected by a girl. At first, I was like "Ouch, why didn't he even tell me that he likes someone yet he sweet-talks to me?" And I was also like, "Thank goodness I haven't fall for him yet." I did not say nor ask any of those things to him, and instead, I lectured him just like any other friend. He was very grateful that I got his back despite his heartache. And that is when the I-thought-I-was-just-another-friend feeling started, so I acted like one even if I know to myself that I already like him.
The next few days felt better. We became really close and even hoped that we live near each other. He would always tell me, "No, you're not there. You're here. I know you're here." It was like he was referring to me being inside his heart, which I hoped. He would also tell me how he wanted to visit my country and stay for good because I live here, as he said. We would also exchange voice messages when we get tired texting. My favorite part of all our conversation would be:
Me: Goodnight!
Him: I like our 'good morning.' I dislike 'goodnight'.
Me: Why?
Him: Because we don't talk anymore.
Me: Awww at least there will still be tomorrows. :)
Me: Sweetdreams /insert kiss emoji here/
Him: Sweetdreams /insert three kiss emojis here/
And after that was the first time we said our I love you's. The second and last one was five days after. Our conversations did not end there though. We continued to talk even after I got in an accident. That was the time when I really felt he cared so much for me. He would always tell me to stay alive because we will still meet someday. He even sent me a video message while I was at the hospital. I was happy, I felt really special. Until the depression caused by my trauma sank in. I would worry a lot and overthink about many things, and I had other problems. The sad part of it all, he was not there when I thought I needed him. I know he got a lot of reasons, I tried my best to understand, but doubts still entered my mind. When I would see him go online and not respond to any of my messages, I know and feel that he hated me for it. The sudden falls--the fall in love part and the fall/failure part--were all my fault.
At the middle of this little chaos, he would pull me back, still. I appreciate it because it felt like he still wanted me. With that, I kept telling myself to continue holding on because it is really hard to find someone like him these days, even if he lives far away. I have to keep holding on and see if we could really work out after two years as we (or maybe I) promised. He kept giving me tiny pieces of hope, but because of my doubts, I let it all slip away. And I am letting them all go... now.
I do not deserve him. He has been so nice to me, but I just repay him with fears and stupid behavior. He has been so nice that I want him to be happy, but not with me. I do not deserve him as much as he does not deserve me. He deserves better. I cannot be better.
Now, I am putting an end to something that I began feeling. I am cutting off our communication and the things that connect the two of us. I am letting him go even when I know he already let me. I am putting an end to something that did not even begin between us--a real relationship.
